So Many Shades of Grey
by deanandhisimpala
Summary: What if... Shane told Rick what happened with Otis the night it happened? What if Rick was too worried about Shane to leave him alone that night? SPOILERS FOR SEASON 2. No slash.


**First thing. I love Shane. And the biggest reason I loved The Walking Dead was because of Shane and Rick's friendship. The chemistry between Jon Bernthal and Andrew Lincoln is so awesome! So needless to say... I'm more than a little upset we won't be seeing any more of that. So of course, I can't stop thinking of ways that it might have been prevented.  
**

**So here's my take on what _might _have been, if only I were writing the show... :P  
**

**Oh yeah and, I haven't seen this episode in a long time... so timeline wise, I'm just going by memory. I think I messed up the order of a few things that happened. I'm aware of it. Plus - I think I rambled a little. Sorry it's a bit long.  
**

**Title is from the amazing Bruce Springsteen song "Blood Brothers". Give it a listen. You'll be glad you did.  
**

**xWDx  
**

He can't even find words for how relieved he is to see Shane. Lately they might be on rocky ground personally, but it's still good, dependable, loyal, solid _Shane_, there beside the old pickup, two bags hanging loosely from clenched fists.

Exhausted and light-headed as he his, he finds himself rushing across the grass toward his best friend. Herschel is right behind him, taking the bags from Shane quickly.

Rick does a bit of a double take when he gets closer – Shane's dark eyes are huge, he's breathing hard, and he doesn't move an inch, even as Herschel starts to take the bags from him.

"Otis?" Herschel asks, and Shane's dark eyes flick towards the ground. He shakes his head.

_Oh shit. _That explains the uncharacteristic expression then.

Shane just stands there, his breath huffing in and out, his usually tanned skin white as paper. He won't meet Rick's eyes for longer than a few seconds.

Rick hesitates only a split second before pulling Shane into a hug. He's so damn relieved to see him, he doesn't care about the tension that's been growing between them for the past few days.

But even though Shane hugs Rick back, he's stiff and unfamiliar in Rick's arms, like hugging a stranger, not like they've known each other for almost twenty years. And he's shaking – shaking as though it isn't muggy with heat out here.

Rick pulls back, and Shane just keeps looking at him with horrified dark eyes, and Rick's stomach drops. Something is very wrong. He puts a hand on the side of his friend's neck, wishes that tension would disappear, wishes Shane didn't look so haunted, because he can't deal with that right now, he needs to think about Carl.

Nevertheless, somewhere in his mind, digging its way out from beneath all the worry for Carl and what the hell is going to happen to them in this insane new world, a memory surfaces.

xWDx

_The piercing shrill of the phone, foreign to his ears in the dead of the night, jerks him out of a deep, much-needed sleep. He takes a ragged breath and fumbles for the receiver, his eye catching the clock as he turns. Three o' clock in the damn morning. _

_The sheets rustle next to him as Lori stirs, but she doesn't say anything. _

_He drags himself up onto his elbows with difficulty. "Hello?" His voice sounds like it's being dragged over sandpaper. _

"_Rick." _

_It's Sheriff Ron Davis, the voice all too familiar from too many damn hours spent together. _

"_Ron." He rubs his eyes. "Something wrong?" _

"_Sorry to bother you, I know you're off sick," Ron sighs heavily. "But we've got a situation here, and I'd appreciate it if you could make it down to station for a bit." _

_'A situation'. Something else he's heard way too many times. Rick presses the heel of his hand against his forehead, turns away from the mouthpiece so his boss doesn't hear him sigh. _

"_See I wouldn't ask," Ron goes on before he can reply, "But Shane asked me to call you, and to be quite honest..." _

_Rick misses the rest of the explanation. "Shit." That's right – Shane's working the night shift tonight. He'd completely forgotten. The first time they haven't worked together in... ages. Shane had even been nervous about it – he'd tried to hide it, but Rick knows him too well. _

_He sits up, presses a hand to his chest, the sudden movement forcing a cough. _

"_Rick? You okay?" _

"_I'm fine. Is Shane alright?" _

_There's a few seconds of silence, long enough that he starts to panic, before "Yeah, he'll be alright. Can you make it down though?" _

_Rick squeezes the phone hard, frustrated. Why can't for once the sheriff just spit out what the problem is? He just never can. Always this stupid suspense or whatever he thinks it is. _

"_Yeah of course I can. I'll be there in thirty minutes." He hangs up. _

"_Rick. Really? He knows you're sick. Can't you get more than one day off?" Lori's voice is rough with sleep, but she's awake enough to argue. _

"_It's Shane," he says, swinging his legs out of the bed, and she sighs. _

"_What happened? Can he not survive one shift without you?" _

_He chooses to ignore that, padding barefoot to the bathroom. "I'll be back." _

"_Make sure you're quiet when you come back in," she says after a moment. "Don't wake up Carl." _

When am I ever loud? Why would I want to wake up my five-year-old son? _He wants to snap, but he chooses not to argue and instead grabs his clothes and gets dressed in the guest bathroom. _

_xWDx  
_

_The station has that quiet, unfriendly feel it only has during the night shift. If anybody's working it, they're either out on the road cruising or in the break room, guzzling caffeine to stay awake. _

_He doesn't stop to talk to Jeff, who's running the front desk, he just heads straight for the sheriff's office, knocking quickly. _

_The door opens almost a minute later – Ron taking his time with getting up from his desk, Rick's seen it too many times before. _

"_Rick. Thanks for coming in." _

_Ron looks serious, his gaze flicks toward the chair in front of his desk, which Shane is sitting in, head down, eyes on the floor. _

"_Shane?" _

_Rick takes a step into the room, and Shane lifts his head slowly. His dark eyes are huge, almost black hair messy from his fingers running through it too many times. So familiar, and yet something isn't right. He's white as a ghost. _

"_Hey." Shane's voice is rough and a little wobbly. _

"_Hey." Rick crosses the room swiftly, puts his hand on the back of Shane's neck. "Are you alright? What happened?" _

_Shane glances at him quickly, then his eyes drop back to the floor. _

"_Sit down, Rick." Ron sits too, sighing heavily as he does, then laces his fingers on the desk. "We got a 911 call tonight," he starts slowly. _

_Rick keeps looking back and forth between his best friend - who won't meet his eyes - and the sheriff. _What the hell happened?

_He studies Shane while the sheriff clears his throat, drawing out the suspense as always. _

_Shane's hands are white-knuckled on the arms of the chair, and his jaw is tight. Rick's never seen him so pale, in all the many, many years they've been friends. Not even that time when the two of them were goofing off out at the ravine and Shane almost fell in. And he'd been pretty pale then. _

"_Domestic violence," Ron finally says. "Woman was afraid for her life. When Shane and Officer White got there, the husband had already found out the cops were coming." _

_Shane twitches a little in his chair, and Rick jumps. Shane's looking at him again, dark eyes too shiny. "They were outside, Rick." He shifts, his hands balling into fists. "The man, he was – he was holding his wife at gunpoint. Threatening to kill her." _

_Rick's mouth is dry, but he can't swallow. He reaches over and grips his friend's shoulder, feels tremors coursing through the solid muscles. _

"_He just kept yelling. And she was crying – and..." Shane pauses, eyes flicking back and forth desperately. "I shot him, Rick." _

_Rick's not sure he could speak, even if he wanted to. He glances at the sheriff, who sighs quietly. _

"_He died." Ron sighs. _

_Shane's eyes are glued on the floor again, his head bowed so low all Rick can see is the top of his head. He squeezes Shane's shoulder in an attempt to comfort, lost for words. _

_There's a long silence – at least, Rick thinks it's long. It feels like forever. Maybe it's just thirty seconds. _

_Sheriff Davis shifts, sighs again. "Shane, you did the right thing. It's always hard, the first time. And I'd be lying if I said it gets easier. Go home. Get some rest. Take the day off tomorrow. Rick, thanks for coming down." He holds out his hand for a handshake. "I'm going to get some coffee. Good night boys." He shuts the door behind him. _

_Shane doesn't move, so Rick stands up. _

"_Shane. Come on, brother." _

_Shane lifts his head, looks up at him with huge eyes. Right now, Rick wouldn't guess he's twenty-eight. Maybe twenty. He makes a decision. _

"_Come home with me, alright? I don't want you going home alone tonight." _

_Shane shivers, stands up slowly, follows him without argument. He's still hanging his head, but he's right behind Rick, like a loyal, beaten dog. _

_The air outside is muggy, mist hangs in the air heavily. None of that helps Rick's already irritated lungs, and he leans against his car and coughs for a good thirty seconds. When he looks back up, Shane is watching him from the other side of the car, his chin lowered, eyebrows up. _

"_Sorry I made you come out tonight, man." _

_Rick smiles. "No apologies. You know I would have killed you if you didn't call." _

_xWDx  
_

"_I'll fold out that bed in the couch for you," Rick offers in a whisper, hanging his keys up in the cupboard. He pads in sock feet across to the couch, starts pulling off cushions. _

_Shane nods, hovering by the doorway. He looks stiff and miserable standing there in his uniform, not leaning there smiling in contentment like he usually does in that exact doorway. Rick and Lori's house is almost more like home to Shane than his own place is, he spends so much time here. _

_Rick thinks about asking if he's alright, then changes his mind. Of course he's not alright. Maybe it's just best he gets some rest. He grabs pillows and blankets from the hall closet, working quickly but quietly, trying his damndest to think of something to say. But in the end it's Shane who speaks first, like it usually is. _

"_Rick, can - can I ask you a favour?" _

"_Anything, you know that." Shane rubs his chin, looks at the floor, back up at him. "Think you could stay up with me for a bit? I dunno if I can sleep, being honest." _

_Rick puts down the last pillow. "Course I can." _

_xWDx  
_

_They end up on the porch, two untouched beers sitting in front of them, just listening to the crickets and relaxing in each other's company. _

_Rick breathes deep, tries to convince his lungs they're fine now. A quiet wheeze still comes out every time he takes a breath. He glances at Shane, who looks at him at the same time. His best friend's eyes are black in the dim glow of the street light. _

"_I always knew I'd have to kill somebody eventually," Shane ventures, his deep voice quiet. "Being a cop and all. I remember us talking about it before we started." His fingers trace that familiar path through his hair. _

"_Me too," Rick nods. _

"_Just never thought it would actually happen." Shane huffs out something that's not quite a laugh. "I tried to aim for his shoulder." His voice cracks a little, wobbles. _

_Rick stays very still. _

"_At least I think I did. But maybe my hands were shaking. Or maybe..." He stops, looking at the ground again. _

"_Maybe what, Shane?" Shane looks up, out at the road, then at him. "Maybe I was aiming for his heart. Maybe I wanted to kill him, Rick. The wife... man, she was so scared. I was just so scared he was gonna kill her. I don't know, Rick. I don't know what I meant to do." _

_His face crumples a little, and Rick slides his chair over closer, wraps an arm around Shane's neck. _

"_Listen to me, okay? You did the right thing." He pulls Shane's head against his, so their foreheads are touching. "That guy was dangerous. He was hurting his wife all the time. Probably would have killed her one day. You saved her life, brother. That's what you have to hang on to. Not what happened with him. The fact that you saved her life." _

_Shane shivers despite the muggy air, sighs shakily, leans more heavily against Rick. "Yeah. You're right. 'Course you're right. You always are." _

_Rick smiles. "Nah, that's you. I'm just right most of the time." _

_xWDx_

When Herschel tells them Carl's going to be okay, Rick is overwhelmed with relief, and at the same time filled with a gnawing sense of doubt. Carl is going to be fine, but what about Shane? That haunted expression he saw in Shane's eyes is still bugging him. Something's not right there.

As he leaves the room, he almost bumps right into Shane, who's heading for the stairs holding a pile of clothes. He shies away from Rick, head lowering immediately, and Rick stares at him. "Where're you going?"

Shane shifts awkwardly. "Gonna take a shower. Is all the stuff I brought okay?"

"It's perfect. Carl's going to be fine." Rick narrows his eyes, and Shane lowers his own to the floor. "You know what? Come sit with me for a bit alright? Can the shower wait?"

Shane hesitates, one foot on the bottom stair. He has a weird expression, as if there's some serious internal conflict going on.

Rick just waits.

Shane looks up to the top of the stairs, then quickly back at Rick.

Rick's suddenly aware that he's putting way more weight on this decision than is rational. But if Shane goes up those stairs... he won't be the same person coming down. He's sure of that, for some reason. But if Shane comes with him now... maybe they can patch up this rapidly widening crack in what Rick once thought was an unbreakable bond. _But it's gotta be his decision. _

Shane's facing him still, head lowered and eyes jumping between Rick's face, the floor, the walls, everything. On impulse Rick reaches out, lays his hand on the back of Shane's neck, and his best friend's eyes suddenly focus on him and stay there. He's aware of a shift between them, ever so slightly.

Shane leans over, drops the clothes on the bottom step. "Okay. Yeah. It can wait."

xWDx

They sit outside, crickets chirping around them, it's all very deja vu. If Rick closes his eyes, he can almost imagine they're back on his own porch, seven long years ago, discussing Shane's first kill.

Except everything's different now. His son is in that house, recovering from a gunshot wound, the world is coming to an end – or maybe it's already ended – and his best friend is breaking, slowly but surely, right in front of his eyes. Something is very wrong.

They're sitting closer together than they were seven years ago, shoulders almost touching, and Rick can feel Shane trembling from where he's sitting, it's that violent.

He's about to say something, and then Shane starts tapping his fingers nervously on the arm of the chair.

"Rick, man, I need to – I need to tell you something."

Rick leans forward slowly, elbows on his knees, lowers his head so he can see Shane's face. "Okay. I'm listening."

Shane fidgets, like he always does when he's nervous or impatient, and then he tilts his head toward Rick and his eyes are wide and dark. "When – when I was at the high school with O – with Otis..." he pauses, looks out into the night.

Rick doesn't move.

"I did something, man. I did something – something real bad."

"What? What did you do?" He kind of doesn't want to hear this, at the same time as he knows he has to. Shane's confiding in him, something he hasn't done since this whole zombie mess started, and like hell he's going to stop him now.

"When we were running – and the walkers, they were right behind us – I'd hurt my ankle and I couldn't move that fast. And Otis, he couldn't go too fast either." Shane tilts his head to the other side, studies his clasped hands. One eyebrow goes up.

"I thought we could make it. I really thought we could. But... the walkers just started catching up. And they were gonna get both of us. And – and all I could think, Rick, was that if we died there, Carl was gonna die too. And I just couldn't let it happen. I couldn't let you down." Shane looks at him desperately, his eyes are shiny with tears now. "And I knew the only way they'd stop following us was if there was something to distract them. And – and I..." He stops again, swallows hard. "I shot him. I shot Otis."

Rick half knew that was coming, but it's still shocking to hear it. He can't find any words for a few moments, and Shane leans away from him, fear and uncertainty taking years off his face.

"You did – you did what you had to do," Rick says quickly, realizing he is on fragile ground.

Shane blinks. "I left him there, Rick. I just... left him. So I could get away."

"Don't say it like that," Rick shakes his head. "You didn't do it for yourself, you did it for Carl. For me. You did what you had to do, Shane, I believe that. You always have."

"But..." Shane rubs his chin, he almost looks frustrated. "I don't know if I had to, Rick. I was just so scared of not getting back here with the stuff. I just didn't see any way out with both of us... They would have caught up sooner or later..."

"Then you had to do it. Listen." Rick shifts in his chair so he's more or less facing Shane straight on. "I can't say I would have done the same thing. Cause I don't think I could have. And I probably wouldn't have made it out. But you – Shane, you've always been able to make the tough decisions I can't make. And you know that you've always ended up being right. Right?"

Shane's eyes plead with Rick to convince him. The shudders still coursing through his best friend's body tell him he's not getting through to him yet, so he reaches up, puts his hand on the side of Shane's neck.

"Listen Shane, brother, I trust you. I trust you to do what you have to do. You've always been the strongest between me and you. I didn't want to let you go out there without me tonight, but I knew you'd get the job done. And you did, even though I can't imagine how hard that decision must have been. Shane, you saved my son's life. And for that I can't ever thank you enough. I know it's not enough, but... you're my best friend. And I owe you everything. I'm on your side, Shane. Okay?"

Shane's watching him, his head on the side, tilted towards Rick's hand. "Okay," he says after a moment, his voice small.

"Okay." Rick leans forward in his chair and wraps both arms around him for the second time that night, and this time Shane hugs him back hard, all of him leaning into Rick, his head heavy on Rick's shoulder, hands curled in the back of his t-shirt, and there's something there between them that hasn't been for weeks.

_Trust._

"I know things have been kinda weird lately," Rick says as they pull away, "And I think we just got mixed up in our footing somehow. I came in here too selfish, I wanted to just jump in and be the leader. I didn't have any right to do that, especially not after all you've done. So I've got a proposal. From now on, how 'bout we work together on this thing? Like we've always done before, like we're so good at doing. Like we used to do for a living. Whattya say?"

The tiniest smile curls the edge of Shane's mouth, and he looks almost happy suddenly, accepted, like everything's fallen back into it's rightful place.

Rick knows that's what _he's _ feeling. "Okay. I said what I needed to say. You can go take that shower now."

They almost laugh. They're getting there.

xWDx

The sun rises the next morning on a new day, in more ways than one.

Rick hovers by Carl's bedside for a long time, just watching his son breathe, holding Lori's hand and thanking Herschel over and over again. When Carl wakes up, Rick tells him that Shane saved his life – again.

Carl doesn't seem surprised, and Rick wonders just how many times Shane's saved his family's lives while he was gone.

Rick goes outside after that, and Shane is sitting on the porch, looking out over the field.

"It's like a different world here," Shane says, and when he looks up at Rick, Rick sees his old friend again in those dark eyes, the old friend he knows almost better than he knows himself, the old friend that'll always stand by his side no matter what. _Blood brother. _

"How's Carl doing?" Shane asks.

"He's fine. Thanks to you." He smiles at Shane, and Shane smiles hesitantly at first, then a real, relieved smile.

_Yeah, _Rick thinks. _It'll still take some work, but we're gonna be okay now. _

He reaches over and ruffles Shane's thick, wavy dark hair.

xWDx

**And suddenly... the entire story changes.  
**

**Please do let me know what you thought, reviews are very much appreciated. :)  
**


End file.
